these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize