What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
