I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
