my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
