I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
