I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
