dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
