oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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