I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
