I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
