I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
