forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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