I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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