i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
