this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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