Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
