I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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