I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
