I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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