Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
