I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
