Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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