it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
