My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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