the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
