but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My life is pants optional.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
