Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dear god my vagina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
