3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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