half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
