i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
