closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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