I've blown a few things in my day
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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