I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
