i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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