the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize