Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vagina is officially offended.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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