I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
