dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
