don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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