cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm passing your future prison.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
its liver damage thursday
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
