i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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