First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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