she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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