If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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