just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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