tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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