I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize