the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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