I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
