My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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